Today is Sunday, and for the first time in a long time, I went to church. I went on my own, because my husband is not a church-goer, and my children would have been too distracting to take with me. I was baptized and raised Catholic. I used to love going to church, and thoroughly enjoyed my faith. Sometime during my teen years, I lost that joy that I used to get, and it became increasingly difficult to really listen to the message that the priest was trying to convey to me through his sermon. I would find myself on the verge of sleep often. After I graduated and moved on to college, I quit going to church. It just wasn't high on my priority list. I still go to church when I'm home visiting my parents, but for me it's more of a tradition, and a way to spend time as a family than as a way to listen to and worship God. I've tried some different churches over the years, looking for something to fill me up, but never really found what I was looking for.
Don't get me wrong; I've always believed in God, and that he forgives my sins if I am truly sorry for the things that I've done. Only, I'm not always sorry for things, especially if I believe that I'm in the right. I believe that if I repent, then I will be in heaven someday. I believe that I have guardian angels that watch over me. Basically, it's been a while since I've believed in my faith 100%. I've heard the saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but there are many times when I'm not sure that's the case. If it is the case, than he has a lot more faith in me than I do in him, and that makes me sad. There are also some beliefs that the Catholic church has that don't jive with my life experience, and it makes me question Catholicism as a whole.
I didn't go to church hoping for some miraculous change immediately, or that I'd suddenly "find" what I've been missing for the longest time. In an effort to restore my faith, however, it seemed like a good step in the right direction. There were times this morning that I spaced out, but I really tried hard to hear what he was saying, and hopefully will take those words to heart as I move forward. Life is difficult at the moment, and I'm looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe finding my faith will be the answer, maybe it won't. Only time will tell. I'm reminded of the words to a song - it's an old one, but I heard it on the radio this morning and it was almost like it was playing just for me.
"I'm not gonna let it get me down, I'm not gonna cry, and I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight. Cause tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain........"
No comments:
Post a Comment